What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 02:14
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
What is the worst thing your sibling has done?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I write beautiful poetry .
Who then, do I blame.?
Why are people becoming increasingly hostile to pro-lifers? I am pro-life.
I said to her
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
How should you brush your hair when its wet or dry?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We all went to grammer schools
And i lived it daily.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
How do you trump Trump’s executive order to bring back plastic straws?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
What did i know ?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
All the time i was locked up.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I couldn’t, believe it.
Comes on , in middle age.
She loved him until the end.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was very sick at this time too.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But it wasn’t much.
I was seconnd youngest,
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My family never makes their pension either.
She married twice! .
Ive learnt so much.
I was scared of men, in general
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I think the readers, may guess!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I never cut or harmed myself..
Would this be the day?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I have no regrets .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I could never make a relationship work though!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He knew the spot.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
When she asked me how she looked .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I will be 64.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But ive been too sick for many years..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But, we were locked up after school.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She was in good health!
I waited trembling.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
It was going to be , some day.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My life is so biszare .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I don,t even have a pension.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One cannot live in the past .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As i do to all so called friends.?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
This is soul school!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We were not on the streets..
Put me off passion for life!!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
So whats the point in blame.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
(And it was in our own minds.)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was 9 years of age.
Im still living with it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Especially a lifetime of it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She found it foreign!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
So, i spoilt her more .